Ispace Wars: PPC - Marchessa

It is said that silence is the absence of sound. In a way that is true; where there is no sound, it is silent. But silence can have an existence of its own: a heavy, suffocating air that covers everything within its grasp.

RC log e was covered in such a silence ever since a couple of DIA officers forcibly removed the not-so-sane Anebrin from the Sunflower Official's office. His erstwhile partner, Desdendelle, did not leave his bed. The console didn't even [bip], somehow feeling the atmosphere, and even the minis quieted down after Des shouted at them to shut up.

Des alternated between sleeping fitfully, having bad nightmares, and chewing himself out for his partner's insanity. His bed was a mess and so were his clothes; his goatee was growing wild, and he positively stank. His belt was lying on the table, its loop still torn. He still hadn’t mended it after he tore his axe from it in a futile attempt to stop Anebrin from executing the Sue and the other two OCs in their last mission. He would have roused from his stupor — by pangs of hunger if nothing else — sooner or later. As things were, it was ‘sooner’.

A few days after the mission, when even Arctic circle (who was an animated circle of ice) couldn't bear the stench, someone opened the RC's door. The creak of the wooden door's hinges caused the minis to stir in their corner of the RC's main room.

The person who stood in the doorway, leaning on the doorpost, was tall — even taller than the five-foot-ten Anebrin — and wore black, high-quality clothes and a billowing brown trenchcoat. A hood denied any glimpse of the person’s face.

News from the OFUs: SWFFA - News from SWFFA

Warning

This story contains minor spoilers for Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

Lord Haven tugged his hood up and stepped into the audience chamber. While the Star Wars Fan Fiction Academy was in session, this room was usually occupied by Threepio teaching linguistics, Anakin and Obi-Wan running yet another 'There Is No Passion, Nor Is There Slash' seminar, or Mon Mothma trying to explain the difference between background characters and unimportant ones.

But it was what the Admissions team insisted on calling the Holidays holidays. All the students had been sent home, the teachers were all drinking themselves stupid enough that they'd probably be singing Life Day songs before long, and Lord Haven was in a mad scramble to get his new staff members inducted.

He had hoped that putting them all together like this would lead them to form new bonds that transcended their canonical disagreements and encouraged a sense of unity and purpose. That… didn't seem to have happened.

News from the OFUs: OFUDisc - More News from OFUDisc

Warning

This story contains major spoilers for The Shepherd's Crown.

News from the OFUs: OFUDisc - News from OFUDisc

The Administrator of OFUDisc was chronically overworked. Oh, it wasn't as bad as the frantic days of the Ispace Wars and the establishment of OFU-Squared, and these days he had a couple of very able assistants to take some of the burden off his shoulders, but he was constitutionally incapable of delegating very much. At any time, day or night, it was a better-than-even bet that he would be found in his office, deep in the basement of OFUDisc's castle, scribbling away at one unavoidable sheet of paper or another.

In this case, it was yet another memo from Mr. Bentley, one of the OFU2 coordinators, asking why the latest video lecture had been delayed yet again. The Administrator chewed on the end of his pen (a habit he was still desperately trying to break himself of) and attempted to conjure up a reply other than 'because I forgot again'. He was almost relieved when there was a knock at the door. "Enter."

The door clattered open, and the scrawny figure of Stanley Howler - former 'pinhead', now Head of Stamps at the Ankh-Morpork Post Office - stumbled in. There was a suspicious flash of gold behind him as the door swung closed - the sort that might be made by a certain Postmaster General shoving his sacrificial lamb inside and running for it. The Administrator shook his head, a hint of a smile forming on his face, then focussed his attention on Stanley.

News from the OFUs: OFUM - A Change in the Stars

There are some sounds the entire staff of OFUM are attuned to: The outbreak of Round #5602 of Morgoth versus Sauron (with Smaug joining in for fun and profit, these days). Gandalf entering the kitchens. The onset of a Legoluster stampede.

This last broke through the peace of Gimli’s early-morning doze, shaking him to full alertfulness. Beside him, Lina was already up, pulling on her clothes with a wide-eyed expression. “I thought Thundera Tiger was doubling Legolas' mini quota until the movie aftermath subsided?”

“She did,” Gimli said, running a hand through his beard to tug out the worst of the knots while he reached for his armour. “She put Legolaz and Leholas on duty – you know how they are about fangirls.”

“Then where are they?” Lina asked, dragging a comb through her hair. “Why aren’t there more screams?”

Gimli cocked his head, listening. The stampede was more like a full-blown riot now, with none of the cracking whips that meant that mini-Balrogs were dealing with it. “Perhaps they’re still in bed?” he suggested. “Miss Cam scheduled his ‘Whose Tribe Is It Anyway?’ class early in the morning so the fangirls would still be half asleep, but if it backfired…”

“Hard to believe,” Lina disagreed. “There’s always minis about. Unless-“

Her speculation was cut off by a pounding on the door. Gimli settled his chainmail in place and tugged the heavy door open to reveal the furious face of Thranduil, king of Mirkwood.

News from the OFUs: The REAL OFUUnderground - Turn the World Upside-Down

Miss Kaye leapt up the stairs of the Goblin King's castle two at a time, scattering goblins and Firey Parts in her wake. She skidded on the stone flags, rebounded off a half-sized suit of armour, and stumbled to an undignified halt in front of the firmly-closed door.

Sarah looked up at the Course Coordinator's arrival, then turned back to her book. "Still no change."

"There will be," Miss Kaye promised. She squeezed past the stack of crates the girl was using as a seat and rapped on the door. "Your Highness?"

There was a rustling sound from inside the room, and then Jareth's voice sang back: "We passed upon the stair/We spoke of was and when."

Miss Kaye bit her lip. "Your Highness, it's been weeks. The Labyrinth needs you back."

Perched on her crates, Sarah looked dubious. "Sir Didymus is doing a fine job-"

"Although I wasn't there/He said I was his friend," came Jareth's reply. He seemed to have moved away from the door - probably, Miss Kaye thought, perched on his windowledge again.

"I'm sorry he died, too," she said. "We're all-" She glanced at Sarah, who was once again nose-down in her book. "No-one wanted him to be gone," she went for. "But this…" She decided against saying moping. "This won't bring him back."

News from the OFUs: The REAL OFUUnderground - News to OFUU

Miss Kaye lent heavily on her desk and glowered at the intruder. "You've found a what?"

Unfortunately, the intruder in question was named Sarah, and having fought her way through the Labyrinth to rescue her baby brother, was not particularly intimidated by a frizzy-haired girl who thought corset-print t-shirts were the height of fashion. "Another Labyrinth OFU," she repeated. "They call themselves the Labyrinth Academy."

"Hmph. They can't be much good," Miss Kaye sniffed. "They must have, what, a staff entirely made up of goblins and those weird pixie things that move floor tiles around?"

"Nope." Sarah paused, smiling slightly. "They've got the full staff. My... contact says their Goblin King gets stampeded regularly by fangirls and has a feud going with Hoggle."

Ispace Wars: Ladies' Academy - Marchessa

Battle of the Heroes

In the benigging there were six tribes of elfs. They was the sun Elves the Wood elfs the Moon Elfs the See Elves the Drow elves and the Wide Elfs. And they were all in war. But hidden deep beneath the mountains of Faerun was a seventh typo of elf…

Drizzt Do-Urden was restlessly. The goddess Lolth had send him a message saying that THE DAY OF TH STARS IS COME and, he didn't know what it means. So he was hiding in the wood to try and not be found by anyon. But then a spider came in through the roof; and Drizzt knew it was Lolth.

"I know it was you, Lolth," said, Drizzt, while drawing his swords Twinkle, and Icingdeath and holding them at Lolth. "You can't not hide from me."

"But why do you think I am Lolth?" asked the spider, and it turned into… a Drow Elv! Then Drizzt said, "Gasp! But you are dead?"

"The ways of the Underdark are dark and mystery," said the Drow Elf. "It is I, your sister who is called Vierna!"

"But you are dead?" Drizzt repeated again. "I mean, I'm pretty sure I killed you."

"You did," Vierna agreed, "but now I am better again because of the magic of Lolth. And I have been send to give you a message, it is, THE DAY OF STAR HAS COME."

Ispace Wars: Ispace - Alteration

"This isn't going to work, you know."

Liliac scowled at the duck-billed platypus perched on a wall beside her. "Don't be such a pessimist, Platy."

The Noble Platypus waggled her beak. "I'm being a realist," she corrected. "Remember what happened when we tried to stop the rise of Slaneesh?"

Liliac winced, her left hand rising to touch the black-rimmed badge that commemorated the operatives Ispace had lost on that job. "We knew that was a long shot," she pointed out. "But we didn't have a choice. Before Aranel got the bridges working through OFU blocks, we needed the Eldar. That job was their price."

"It was too high," Platy said bluntly. "Kjersti, Blizz… they didn't deserve to die like that."

Liliac nodded, pulling her purple cloak tighter around herself. "No. But this isn't the same, Platy."

Ispace Wars: Ladies' Academy - Giri

Giritinuvielwen – let's call her Giri, despite (or perhaps because of) the fact that this would give her conniptions – was unaccustomedly nervous as she stepped from the grass of Dalek-occupied Earth into the huge, glass-fronted building. She wasn't used to such trepidation, since she was a Mary-Sue, and therefore perfect in every way (including 'perfectly in control'). In this case, though, she wasn't in a story of her own devising, or one written for her. She was in the lobby of Dreams Come True, Inc, the largest and oldest surviving Mary-Sue Factory – and headquarters of the Venomous Tentacula's League of Mary-Sue Factories. In short, she was outnumbered, outclassed, and (she began to feel), hideously outdated.

The attendant behind the desk – a factory Sue whose creation had gone awry, one of the colourless creatures known as Defectives – listened carefully and with obvious disinterest to Giri's explanation of her presence. Then, almost Sue-like in her languor, she pointed down one of the Factory's many corridors.

"The Venomous Tentacula's office is that way," she said. "The others are already there."

"Others? What others?" Giri demanded, but the Defective didn't even bother to acknowledge the question. Giri thought about grabbing her, forcing some answers out of her – but no, wanton violence was Celia's field. Better to stick to her strengths: her brain.

Ispace Wars: ????? - Formation

“-ridiculous,” Dafydd snapped. “I was stopped by one of the Sub Rosa’s spies in Malijach the other day – me! Oh, he apologised afterwards, sort of, but do you know what he said? ‘We can’t be too careful’. To me!”

Narto listened, wide-eyed, as Dafydd continued to rant. Lou glanced up at the ceiling. “I thought you’d show up,” she murmured.

A door slammed somewhere in the Illian home, and a moment later Constance stalked in. “It’s confirmed,” she announced. “I checked with my sources, and-“

“Wait, you have sources?” Dafydd cut her off. “Where can I get some?”

Constance poked her tongue out at him. “Well, I talked to Steve, at any rate. Maybe if you didn’t drive all your partners insane…”

“Unfair,” Dafydd countered. “Not all of you are bonkers.”

Ispace Wars: OFUU - Gathering

Meduseld was dark when Dr Huinesoron pushed the door open, dark and cold – but not empty. Though the Riders of Rohan were gone – most of them to the Staff Section of OFUM – the Golden Hall was playing host to the Course Coordinators of the OFUs of the multiverse.

Miss Kat of OFUWho was fidgeting, as usual, though Dr Huinesoron doubted she’d ever occupied herself making chains out of discarded pieces of bridle before. Mr Allen and Miss Carol (IAHF and OFUH respectively) seemed moderately awestruck by the tapestries (one of which MBSFA’s Mr Ben seemed to be trying to take home). Mr Marty, also of MBSFA, was glaring at the fire and shivering sporadically.  And all of them, Dr Huinesoron noted with a suppressed sigh, had gotten there before him.

The door creaked as he closed it, and the Coordinators looked up (those that weren’t already paying attention). “Thank you all for coming,” Dr Huinesoron said. “This meeting was very short notice, and you all have things to do, so thank you for making the time.”

Ispace Wars: Ladies' Academy - Magiseer Karisana

There is no end

And no beginning

We dare not voice

Our suffering

Harry Potter snuck through the corridors of Hogwarts muttering to himself about how HerMOANY Granger was insisting she needed his help because the House Elfs she helped were being scared by something which was all very well but Harry had better things to do like the date with Ginny he'd turned down to come and help HerMOANY.

It is not fair

How rough things are

We can't be happy

Not so far

Ispace Wars: Prologue - The Ladies' Academy

"… can't believe they're still using our name!"

"I, like, totally agree!" exclaimed Princess Silverlocks III. "I mean, are they even half as stunning as me? They're totally not Mary-Sues!"

Giritinuvielwen, headmistress of the Ladies' Academy for Mary-Sue Enrichment, frowned slightly. The problem with running a school for Mary-Sues, she reflected, is that if you do your job properly, they come out thicker than two short planks.

"They apparently think Mary-Sues are a bad thing," she pointed out to Silverlocks. "The so-called 'Redemptionist' Academy is dedicated to taking our Mary-Sues and undoing our hard work."

"That's just silly!" Silverlocks declared, tossing her golden tresses (she usually dyed them before working a story, to make them match her name). "Why would anyone want to take someone as, like, smart, beautiful, funny and perfect as me and change me back to how I used to be?"

Which was a mousy-haired fast food saleswoman named Stephanie, as Giritinuvielwen recalled. It was a good question, too – what was wrong with making girls into images of perfection and letting them live out their fantasies?

Ispace Wars: Prologue - Ispace

The door clicked closed as Liliac placed the tray of food on the small table. "And how are you today?" she asked conversationally.

Phoebe stared out of the window, but Liliac doubted she was even seeing the sweeping heights of the Misty Mountains, the tangled forest about their feet.

"Some of my operatives ran into agents of the PPC today," Liliac went on. "Apparently they'd both gone after the same elf-lusting Sue. And of course the Protectors attacked – what would you expect of people who call themselves Assassins?"

Nothing from Phoebe.

Liliac shrugged. "My girls drove them off and finished the Sue," she went on. "Shows the value of superior training – or, ha, any training. Of course, the Mary-Sue Academy has asked us not to kill them any more. They say they want to 'redeem' the Sues - and since we're not bloodthirsty maniacs, we'll actually do it, too."

"GO AWAY."

Ispace Wars: Prologue - PPC

Penny glared across the desk at the gigantic yellow sunflower in his pinstriped suit. “You’re not listening to me, sir,” she grated. “Ispace is a threat to-“

To a small group of fangirls, yes, you’ve stated this several times, the Sunflower Official, Head of the PPC’s Department of Mary-Sues, cut her off. Now, Agent- I beg your pardon, Assassin Smith, allow me to point out some facts you may not be aware of.

The PPC is not, in fact, some sort of multiverse police force. Our remit is badfic – no more, and certainly no less. Are you claiming that an Official Fanfiction University is badfic? Or this Ispace?

“No,” Penny ground out, “but they-“

I mean, can you imagine how Jurisfiction would react? Or the Fairytale Police Department? The canonical Trans-Dimensional Organisations are already half-convinced we’re a bunch of vigilantes out to poach their jobs.

Ispace Wars: Prologue - OFUU

The Administrator closed his laptop with a click and turned to face his last three students. “That’s everyone else home,” he announced. “PPCers to HQ, everyone else to the Real World. All vampires successfully de-vamped, everyone turned back to human – even Traveler is no longer a box. Everyone except you three.” He grimaced and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I can’t say I’m happy about this.”

“I never imagined you would be,” Iplis said softly. “But I’m not going back.”

“And I’m not leaving if she’s still here,” Cazzie added, glowering at the vampire. “You can’t trust her.”

“And I can trust you? You’re a fangirl too,” the Administrator pointed out. He raised a hand at Cazzie’s protest. “All right. I’ve allowed you to stay – both of you – because you were closest to Liliac and our Death of Fangirls.” He glanced at the third fangirl. “You, on the other hand, are here for the effect you have on Ispace. But all of you are only staying because you could be useful – not because I like you.”

“Being liked went out of the window for me last night,” Iplis observed. “I’ll help you.”

“Yes, you will.” The Administrator shook his head. “So here we are. I suppose you have questions.”

OFUDisc Epilogue

The hillside was the sort of terrain which invokes words like ‘bleak’, ‘merciless’, or ‘desolate’. It was the kind of slope on which nothing ever happens – a bleak (there it is), soul-crushing nothingness that makes one want to scream just to feel something.

On this occasion, the sole occupant felt like screaming for another reason entirely. He’d been assured that however long his quest took, it would be less than five seconds in the present. That was all well and good, but in his personal timeline it had been closer to five months…

But this was the last. He had tracked this particular air current across a dozen miles before it had finally approached ground level, and now here he was. Staked out on the ground at his feet was a massive bedsheet, ready to catch the wind’s precious cargo. With a long-practiced eye he watched the wisp of black dust descend through the clear air, aimed directly at the sheet.

He was barely even surprised by the last-minute gust which shunted the powder sideways, onto bracken-covered ground.

With a weary curse, he pulled a bottle from his pack and glared at it. “You would have to be difficult,” he told it. “But I’m not playing anymore.” He uncorked the bottle and tipped the contents unceremoniously onto the ground. The black dust drifted down, coating a handful of flowers as he retrieved a far smaller, red bottle.

One drop of blood was all it took. The dust congealed, then burst upwards from the soil like the world’s largest earthworm. In seconds, a young woman stood on the hillside. She wrinkled her nose and looked down at herself distastefully.

“Why,” she began, “and I ask this with great trepidation, do my clothes smell of heather and fox droppings?”

The Administrator of OFUDisc sighed. “Yukimona,” he said tiredly. “Welcome back. It’s time to go home.”

---

Disclaimer: The Discworld is the creation of Sir Terry Pratchett. The Official Fanfiction University concept is the creation of Miss Cam. Yukimona is based on an application to OFUDisc. All details of (and mistakes in) plot, narrative and dialogue are mine. Thanks to the Irish Samurai for betaing.

Author’s Note: And so it ends. With Time’s assistance, all the students of OFUDisc have been recovered – and since this iteration of the Discworld is now under Ispace control, the year has been terminated. The Administrator has gone into hiding, and all students have been sent home.

Well… perhaps not all. Stay tuned for The Ispace Wars. And thank you for reading!

OFUDisc Chapter 15

After a lunch consisting solely of their own cooking – Albert being an avid proponent of Learning Through Pain – the students of OFUDisc took a quick stroll from Ankh over to Ephebe. Now that she was aware of it, Phoebe found the absurdity of this almost too much to handle, but sadly her disapproval had little to no effect on the placid landscape. Cabbages gave way to sand, and they soon found themselves filing into a massive stone-built stadium.

"I don't recall any canonical mentions of stadia in Ephebe," Raen expounded as they assembled on the dusty track, "but this is clearly in the classical Greek mode, so it's a reasonable supposition."

"Didn't the Greeks do their athletics naked?" Nenya asked in a dreamy voice. At Raen's dubious nod, she pointed at the approaching figure in his moth-eaten red robe. "Do you think we could persuade him to keep the tradition?"

Rincewind came to a reluctant halt in front of the girls. Studying him – as all her classmates were – Phoebe decided the rodent-based descriptions of him were accurate: a weasel-faced man with a ratty beard and mouse-nibbled wardrobe who held himself like a rabbit on the verge of flight. She felt kind of sorry for him.

OFUDisc Chapter 14

The mood was unsettled as Class Two made their way to their first lesson the following day. The two surviving vampires, Iplis and Lucy2, travelled under what was essentially armed guard – Raen with her knife and the alarmingly stern Lindyellwen with her sharpened hoof. The conversation in the rest of the diminished group was superficially normal, but tension lurked like a shark below the surface, its ripples touching the minds of all.

All, that is, except Phoebe and Penny, who chatted away as if they hadn't a care in the world. Eventually, Liliac – who had been checking up on Tisea, making sure she'd recovered from Kai's attempt to drain her dry – joined them. 

"Doing okay, then, Penny?" Liliac asked with forced cheer. 

Penny nodded. "Pretty much all healed now," she said. "Kaitlyn thinks the vamps had some sort of coagulant on their fangs – which makes no sense, by the way, and I don't think it's canon, so it's on the list – but that's why we've healed so fast." 

Liliac frowned at her. "You're really okay?" she pressed. "No lingering psychological trauma or anything? I mean, if you're going to go Bursar on us I need to know." 

Penny glanced across at the subdued figure of Iplis and sighed softly. "It still hurts to think about, if that's what you mean," she said, one hand rising to rub her throat absently. "But Phoebe's done a good job of taking my mind off it." 

Phoebe giggled, an incongruous sound in the general gloom. "You're welcome," she said, and Penny smiled back at her.