Penny glared across the desk at the gigantic yellow
sunflower in his pinstriped suit. “You’re not listening to me, sir,” she
grated. “Ispace is a threat to-“
To a small group of
fangirls, yes, you’ve stated this several times, the Sunflower Official,
Head of the PPC’s Department of Mary-Sues, cut her off. Now, Agent- I beg your pardon, Assassin Smith, allow me to point out some facts you may not be aware of.
The PPC is not, in
fact, some sort of multiverse police force. Our remit is badfic – no more, and
certainly no less. Are you claiming that an Official Fanfiction University is
badfic? Or this Ispace?
“No,” Penny ground out, “but they-“
I mean, can you
imagine how Jurisfiction would react? Or the Fairytale Police Department? The
canonical Trans-Dimensional Organisations are already half-convinced we’re a
bunch of vigilantes out to poach their jobs.
“But we take down the Mary-Sue Factories!” Penny exclaimed,
almost desperate now. “Even when they’re not attacking us!”
They started it,
the SO noted. Other than invading OFUDisc
– an organisation apparently perfectly capable of defending itself – what have
Ispace done? Nothing.
“Someone must have reported the rumours to you,” Penny
disagreed. “Several agent teams have been accosted by strangers who forced them
away from their targets-“
Goodness, Mary-Sue
sympathisers trying to stop the PPC? You’d think there was some sort of League
of Mary-Sue Factories out there or something. The Sunflower Official
rustled his petals and turned his bloom towards Penny. No. If and when you find evidence – evidence, mark you, not vague accusations, theories and hyperbole – that Ispace
are aiding Mary-Sues or otherwise causing damage to the Plot Continuum on
anything like the scale of the League – root and branch, if you can prove
they’re causing any harm to the Plot
Continuum – then you may be authorised to go after them. Until that time,
Assassin, please leave. I have a Board meeting soon – in a day or so.
Penny fumed as she marched down the corridor to her
not-a-Response-Centre-you’re-a-consultant-not-an-agent. She threw the door
open, stalked inside, reached back to slam it closed – and paused. Her brow
furrowed, and she drummed her fingers on the grey-painted wood.
Finally, a smile crept across her face. “Proof, huh?” she
murmured. “I think I know just who to talk to…”
“But you still know people, right?”
Estelnar shook her head and took a sip of her drink, then
grimaced. “Ugh. Next time, we meet at Rudi’s.” She put the glass down on the cafeteria
table. “The fact is, we didn’t really talk to many people when we made the
Multiverse Monitor. It… wasn’t that sort of paper.”
Penny scowled. “I should have known it was too easy,” she
muttered. “Well, thanks for your time – sorry about the drink-“
“You know,” Estelnar cut in, “it might help if you told me
what you actually want to know…”
Penny frowned. “But you just said – you don’t publish your
paper anymore, so you can’t put a notice in…”
“But on the other hand,” Estelnar said reasonably, “not
telling me would be a crime against curiosity.”
“… fair enough.”
Estelnar stared at Penny for long moments after the latter
finished her tale. “Is that all?”
“All?” Penny
repeated. “They abducted my friend – attacked an OFU – tried to kill me, it’s only that overpowered
Administrator’s reflexes that teleported us away in time-“
“Oh, yes, I’m not arguing that isn’t serious,” Estelnar clarified. “But what you want to know
– easy.”
“I think you’re exaggerating.”
“That’s because you don’t spend enough time in the
Cafeteria,” Estelnar told her, standing up and looking around. “Let’s see… ah,
yes.” She waved her hands over her head and raised her voice. “Kayleigh!”
A brown-haired woman practically leapt from her seat and
scampered over. Penny could tell it was a scamper – mostly because the woman
was chanting ‘scamper-scamper-scamper’ as she came.
“Hi there!” the woman called, jumping up onto a vacant chair
and beaming down at Penny and Estelnar. “Speak my name and I doth come. And you
only need to say it once – what a bargain, eh? Stroke.” She suited action to
words by running a hand down the back of the white cat in her arms.
“Hi,” Estelnar said. “I, uh… okay, I’ll bite.”
“Oh, please don’t!” Kayleigh exclaimed. “You’ll scare Aunt Sam!”
“… not literally,” Estelnar clarified. “But… okay, who let
you have a cat?”
“She isn’t a cat,”
Kayleigh protested, clutching the not-cat close. “She is a mini-Mogget who I
have adopted from some very nice-slash-horrid-slash-indifferent people!
Glower.”
“Is there a point to any of this?” Penny asked. “Only I have
to go and start knocking on doors…”
“No, you don’t.” Estelnar turned back to Kayleigh. “So, we
hear a sinister organisation known as Ispace is out to destroy the PPC,” she
said conversationally. “Any truth in that?”
“Gasp!” Kayleigh gasped. “The whole PPC? Not just a tiny little bit like the Department of
Out-of-Character Hobbits?”
“All of it,” Penny confirmed. “Why? Have you heard
something?”
“Not yet!” Kayleigh admitted cheerfully. “But I needed to
know what to ask. Ooh! I recognise him!” And she stepped off the chair and
darted off into the crowd, still cradling Aunt Sam.
“Kayleigh is one of HQ’s biggest conspiracy nuts,” Estelnar
explained to Penny’s stare. “If anyone runs into these Ispace types and comes
away with proof, she’ll learn about it.”
“And will she tell us?” Penny asked. “Or will she use the
information to make HQ’s largest flower arrangement?”
Estelnar considered this image. “Well, you know,” she said
at last, “there are some very information-rich flower arrangements out there…”
Disclaimer: All references to canons belong to their respective creators. The PPC is the creation of Jay and Acacia. The various agents in this chapter are mine (now). The story and all errors in it are my own.
Author's Note: I told you the PPC was in it. ;) Since a few people have expressed confusion as to what's going on, a summary of OFUDisc has been appended to the previous chapter.
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