Giritinuvielwen – let's call her Giri, despite (or perhaps
because of) the fact that this would give her conniptions – was unaccustomedly
nervous as she stepped from the grass of Dalek-occupied Earth into the huge,
glass-fronted building. She wasn't used to such trepidation, since she was a
Mary-Sue, and therefore perfect in every way (including 'perfectly in
control'). In this case, though, she wasn't in a story of her own devising, or
one written for her. She was in the lobby of Dreams Come True, Inc, the largest
and oldest surviving Mary-Sue Factory – and headquarters of the Venomous
Tentacula's League of Mary-Sue Factories. In short, she was outnumbered,
outclassed, and (she began to feel), hideously outdated.
The attendant behind the desk – a factory Sue whose creation
had gone awry, one of the colourless creatures known as Defectives – listened
carefully and with obvious disinterest to Giri's explanation of her presence.
Then, almost Sue-like in her languor, she pointed down one of the Factory's
many corridors.
"The Venomous Tentacula's office is that way," she
said. "The others are already there."
"Others? What others?" Giri demanded, but the
Defective didn't even bother to acknowledge the question. Giri thought about
grabbing her, forcing some answers out of her – but no, wanton violence was
Celia's field. Better to stick to her strengths: her brain.
The corridor was a long one, with windows onto various parts
of the plant's production systems. As she walked, Giri saw Sues being born
naked and perfect from their glittery pods, Sues with close-fitting helmets
over their flowing hair as knowledge and skills were burnt into their malleable
brains, Sues lying prone in front of sparkling portals as machines dressed them
for their stories and roles. It was all very efficient, very controlled – and
it made Giri sick.
Factory Sues, as she'd always said, weren't real people.
They were basically living robots, going through the motions, hardly noticing
the Worlds around them. Sure, Giri's students might look like that when you read their stories – what Sue wants to be
seen reacting to events when she can shape them to her will instead? – but
inside they had all the feelings, all the emotions and concerns of baseline
fangirl stock. The only difference was that, once they'd finished training with
her, they were better.
The corridor ended in a large, well-lit antechamber. At
intervals around the walls were soft armchairs, in which were seated a surprisingly
non-varied variety of fangirls and Mary-Sues (with the occasional 'Stu thrown
in for… Giri searched for a word other than variety, but had to give up). The
Suvians were roughly evenly split between those who were glaring suspiciously
at each other, and those who were grinning vacantly as they watched the
songbirds flitting around near the ceiling.
Giri took one of the few remaining seats and hastily revised
her plans. She had assumed she would be the only visitor to the Factory – the
likelihood that others were also here to secure the Venomous Tentacula as an
ally changed things considerably. She would have to-
"Giri?" exclaimed a soprano voice.
"Giritinuvielwen?"
"That's Headmistress
Giritinuvielwen," Giri snapped, and turned to see a golden-haired vision
of waiflike beauty. "And who's asking?"
"Don't you remember me?" the Mary-Sue asked.
"I'm Claribella – I graduated a few months after you came to TAMS."
Giri frowned prettily and studied the other girl. She
supposed Claribella's features could
be visible on that Suvian face, but it was a stretch. "Of course I
remember you!" she gushed. "How could I forget? What have you been up
to? Been in any cool stories?"
"Oh, you know, a couple," Claribella (if it was
even her) admitted airily. "This one time I was Queen of Gondor and
Legolas had to rescue me from Aragorn's evil ways, so then I was Queen of
Milkwood instead and we had lots of pretty babies." She beamed at Giri,
who was listening intently – if there's one thing a fangirl-turned-Mary-Sue enjoys,
it's Mary-Sue stories.
"Of course, that was all a long time ago,"
Claribella went on. "I've moved into a new place since then. Have you
heard of Sparklee?"
"I don't think so," Giri admitted reluctantly.
"It sounds sparkly, though."
Claribella giggled. "You're so clever! Anyways, it's this whole city of Mary-Sues, and it is so cool. Of course it's not what it used
to be – those meanies at the PPC tried to ruin the whole place, but it's our
city! We can write whatever we want!!" She paused for breath. "So we
have all these Mary-Sue-only activities, and lots of hott guys who are just as
perfect as us, and it's like fantastic! You should come and join us!"
Giri had to admit it sounded tempting. On the other hand,
who would want to live somewhere the PPC already knew about? At least the
Ladies' Academy for Mary-Sue Enrichment was hidden. Of course, that didn't mean
Sparklee couldn't be a valuable ally…
"So what are you doing here?" Giri asked, getting
in just before Claribella began to talk again. The other Mary-Sue beamed.
"Oh, this Factory, it's so fantastic, isn't it? We use
some of the same technology in Sparklee; actually some of the long-term
residents say the Factories got it from us. So we thought that if we're
basically doing the same thing as the League, why shouldn't we be in the League? That way we could all
share our stuff around, and they can defend us from-" She stopped, looking
guilty. "I mean, we can fight together against the evil flaming troll
meanies."
Giri understood her self-correction. No Mary-Sue ever wanted
to admit they couldn't cope with something, whether it was cold weather or a
potential invasion by the so-called Canon Protection Initiative. "So what
about… you know, them?" she
asked, waving a hand at the other Mary-Sues. "Are they from Sparklee
too?"
"Haven't the foggiest," Claribella admitted.
"The only one I know is Snixie over there." She nodded at one of the
suspicious fangirls, one dressed in a black leather trenchcoat. "She's
nasty."
"She looks it," Giri murmured.
Claribella laughed her tinkling laugh. "No, silly –
N.A.S.T.Y.! The Neo Abduction Schemers Treaty of Youth. Apparently they're a
group of fangirls who are out to kidnap some hott guys – I'm not sure who.
Anyway, she wandered into Sparklee once upon a time, stuck around for a little
while – that's how I know her. I don't know what she's doing here, though."
Giri studied Snixie, and Claribella, and in fact all the
Sues and fangirls. They were liable to cause problems for her – if the League
was overwhelmed with needy girls out for aid, they'd be less inclined to listen
to her offer. Of course, that worked both ways – if the League rejected her,
there would be plenty of other candidates to ask. "I've been
thinking," she said at last, ignoring the gasp of shock from Claribella
and a couple of the nearer Sues. "Your Sparklee and my Ladies' Academy –
we have a lot in common…"
The hours passed. Giri conversed with half a dozen Sues and
fangirls (including Snixie – she was just as grumpy as she looked), and every
so often a Defective came out to call another one of the girls into the office.
Eventually – finally – it was Giri's
turn. She followed the colourless woman – it looked much the same as the one on
the front desk – into a small, dimly-lit room. Behind a steel desk waited the
undisputed master of the Factory, and slightly disputed leader of the League –
the Venomous Tentacula herself.
Welcome, my dear,
the Plant said, and Giri shuddered slightly at the feel of that smooth voice
slipping directly into her thoughts. Do
take a seat.
Giri looked around for a chair, but found nothing more
comfortable-looking than a dirty old flowerpot. "Um, you don't have
any," she pointed out.
The Tentacula looked at her – or at least, pointed a flower
in her direction – with what seemed to Giri to be faint disappointment. Then you will have to stand. So, my dear,
you are here representing the… Ladies' Academy for Mary-Sue Enrichment,
correct?
Giri relaxed slightly. Clearly the Tentacula had been
reading up on her – that was definitely a positive sign. "That's us,"
she acknowledged. "We've been making the Multiverse a better place for,
ooh, more than ten years now – we may be small, but we make a big
impression."
Indeed. My dear, are
you aware that your name translates as 'Shuddering Nightingale Girl'?
Giri glowered, then hastily switched on her disdainful look
and tossed her hair. "Well, that's what boring people say, anyway. I say, it's fanfiction! I can translate my name however I want!"
This time the Tentacula's look was more positive, though
Giri was sure she had noticed the initial, uncontrolled response. I can see you have been well-trained, my
dear, the Tentacula said. So – what
would you bring to the League?
Giri blinked. "Chocolates?" she hazarded.
"Or, um, plant food? The good kind?"
How thoughtful of you.
But my meaning was: were we to accept your application to join the League, what
contributions would you-
"Wait, wait, wait." Giri held up a hand. "Join the League?"
Well, yes. The
Tentacula sounded perplexed. Is there a
problem, my dear?
"I'm not here to join you," Giri said, somehow
managing to supress a shudder at the very thought. "My Academy is… too dissimilar to your Factories. I
thought you understood – I'm here to offer an alliance."
There was a long silence.
An… alliance?
"Against Ispace – and the PPC," Giri added
hastily, aware that not everyone had quite as much experience of Ispace as she
did. "They're fighting each other now, so this is the perfect time to
strike!"
There was an even longer silence.
My dear, said the
Venomous Tentacula, are you aware that we
have more than fifty fully-modernized Mary-Sue Factories in the League, each
capable of producing 300 Sues per hour?
"Well, not as such," Giri admitted, "but
I-"
And your 'Academy' has
165 students total – and takes over a year to pass each one?
"Ah, that's one hundred and sixty six," Giri pointed out. "I know, my handwriting's
terrible, but I've never been one for the 'flowing calligraphy' thing,
so-"
Please be quiet,
the Tentacula said softly, and Giri's mouth snapped shut. Thank you. My dear Giritinuvielwen, whatever makes you think the League
would have anything to gain from an 'alliance' with you?"
Giri blinked. "Well, you could help me to-"
Yes. This is why we in
the League leave Mary-Sues in your proper place, rather than promoting you
above your station. Look what happened last time we made that mistake. She shook her tentacles in
disgust. What use is a leader who only
thinks about herself?
"That's not fair!" Giri exclaimed. "While
building up my Academy I was nice to loads
of people who helped me."
Exactly. The
Tentacula's friendly, almost motherly façade had fallen away, exposing cold
steel. You are no use to us. Get out.
As the Mary-Sue flounced out, slamming the door behind her,
a thought came from the shadows of the office. She does have a point, though. Ispace and the PPC at odds? We could do…
many things with that.
The Venomous Tentacula swivelled in place to face her guest.
Take on the PPC in battle? You know how that
ends up.
A Flower emerged from the darkness. From the tips of his
roots to the very top of his stem, he was dressed in flexible armour, matt
black so as to render him invisible. His yellow petals had been trimmed into
sharp points, and capped with lethal, knife-edged steel. Burned onto one
scarred leaf was the emblem of his master – the sword-wielding cactus of the
Sunflower Emperor.
Your experiences have
made you cautious, General Dandy acknowledged, tilting his bloom towards
the Tentacula. That is good. But beware
caution does not turn to cowardice. We of the EPC have never had any trouble
dealing with the Protectors.
You have never faced
them in open war as we have, the Tentacula noted icily. Perhaps when it is your people who do the dying, you will be less
cavalier about the danger.
Why go after the PPC
at all? wondered another mind, and the Horsetail shuffled into view. Ispace are just as big a nuisance, if not
more so. Last quarter alone they cost us over a billion standardised credits-
I was under the
impression that was due to corporate infighting, not Ispace, General Dandy observed. How was it they caused a
third of your sales staff to schism – again – and form their own company?
The Horsetail's branches twitched as he faced the Dandelion.
Ispace's interference, their 'protection
of elves', severely curtailed our supply of several important… ingredients,
he blustered. Without them, BioInc would
have-
Oh, calm down before
you lose your top, the Tentacula cut in. You're right that Ispace are just as meddlesome – if smaller – as our
mutual originators. And with all our new League members, we won't even need to
use valuable stock for the attack…
General Dandy looked between the two Flowers, then shrugged
his leaves dismissively. Very well,
he said. I'll work up an assault plan.
Thank you, dear.
The Venomous Tentacula tapped a button on her desk. Veronica? We're ready now, my dear. Send in the next hopeful.
Disclaimer:
Giritinuvielwen belongs to Hirilnara. The Enforcers of the Plot Continuum (EPC)
were created by Tawaki. The League of Mary-Sue Factories was created by me and
expanded on by Lily Winterwood. N.A.S.T.Y. belong to Techno-Dann, Sparklee to
Ekwy, and the PPC, as always, to Jay and Acacia. All details of plot are my
own.
Author’s Note:
Just in case things weren’t complicated enough… do the League and colleagues
count as a fifth side in this conflict? You can see why it’s called The Ispace WarS…
The League of
Mary-Sue Factories: The original Mary-Sue Factory was built by the PPC,
though most of them knew nothing of it. Devised, along with its sister company
Biotechnology, Inc, to make money for the PPC’s efforts, it broke away from PPC
control during the Reorganisation. Since then, the League has grown into a
multiverse-spanning organisation bent on… well, something, which probably involves glitter. BioInc (rebranded to
make themselves cool) work alongside them, pillaging canon worlds for their own
profit. And the EPC? They’re from the Mirror Multiverse, where everything is
seen through a dark mirror – a version of the PPC out not to free the Word
Worlds, but to enslave…
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