Tuesday, 1 January 2013

OldFUDisc: Chapter 3

Please note: This chapter is presented here as an archive of OldFUDisc; it was written eight years ago and has no direct relationship to the current story. ~The Administrator.

When Becky finally came round, her first coherent feelings were thankfulness that she wasn’t greeted by the fearsome visage of Granny Weatherwax this time.

Looking around she saw that she was in a large hall, with high ceilings and tall windows. Seeking around for someone familiar she saw Kisheara talking to a short girl with glasses and short brown hair. They were surrounded by a crowd of what Becky assumed were other students, some talking in small groups and some still regaining or yet to regain consciousness. Kisheara noticed that Becky was awake and beckoned her over for introductions.

“Becky, this is Cazzie, Cazzie this is Becky. Cazzie got misfiled - she was meant to go to OFUM but ended up here.”

Becky looked sympathetically at the confused-looking girl, who was currently glancing nervously at the luggages who lined the walls.

“Why don’t you just tell the course co-ordinators? I’m sure they’ll sort it out,” Becky commented.

Kisheara snorted and turned Becky to face the front of the hall. On raised dais at the front she saw some people milling around, she recognised the witches from the flight and – her heart skipped a beat – she thought she saw someone who could only be Ponder Stibbons standing with a group of wizards. Her legs automatically tensed to leap before Cazzie grabbed her shoulders to hold her back.

“Don’t,” she said, pointing to the large doors near the dais. Becky gasped at what she. A girl with frizzy hair and glasses seemed to be pinned to the door by her loose hippy-type clothing. Cazzie explained.

“I think she was sitting by that door with some other students, but I didn’t notice her until I heard her yell. She was running towards that stage-part and she looked like she was going to tackle that guy in black.”

Becky looked towards the dais but failed to isolate said guy in black.


“That one!” Cazzie pointed. “The one with black hair. Looks elvish.”

“Disc or Tolkien?” Kisheara asked.

“Tolkien of course! Noldorin, I think, but I can’t see if his ears are pointy.”

Suddenly both girls saw who she meant - it was the man who had been introduced as Dr Huinesoron. He was talking to a woman wearing a black coat over a red dress. Her hair was black and wound in a bun. Her hair, glasses and leather coat resulted in an image like a psychotic librarian.

“See that woman he’s talking to? I think her name’s Raven or something, anyway, when that girl started to stampede she pulled a crossbow out of no- where and shot it at her!”

They now considered this woman, and quickly rethought their strategies to gain the attentions of their Lust Objects. When strange women pulled out crossbows and pinned innocent fangirls to doors, it was not good. Becky wished that she had read more than the first five chapters of the Official Fanfiction University of Middle-Earth, as then she might have a better idea of what exactly she had signed up for.

All the students were by now awake and talking excitedly to each other while being careful to stay far away from the mini-luggages. The mini- luggages were not large enough to eat someone; they only came up to the average student’s knee. However, they were definitely capable of knocking someone over or taking a chunk out of their leg, and they were willing to do this by the way that they – Becky gulped nervously – they were licking their lids at the students.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the front of the hall. The door opposite the one decorated with a student opened, and a woman stepped through flanked by mini-luggages. She wore a black dress and her white hair was in bun, though frizzy tendrils were beginning to escape from it. When she turned to look at the students a black streak was visible in her hair. Kisheara gasped in recognition while the other two just looked at her blankly. Becky was about to ask a question when the woman cleared her throat and began to speak. Due to the many students talking loudly, this was inaudible. She frowned, and then spoke again.


That shut them up. Everyone in the hall ceased to talk and swivelled their head towards her, when she had everyone’s attention she started to talk.

“Welcome to the Official Fanfiction University of Discworld. I am your Headmistress, Susan Sto Helit, and you will address me as Miss Susan. Anyone who refers to me as ‘Susan’, ‘Susie’, or any other such name will be meeting my grandfather in short order. You have already met the course co- ordinators Dr Huinesoron and Ms Raven. They, myself and others will be teaching you the ways of the Discworld as well as how to actually write.”

At this point Raven went over to Susan and whispered something in her ear. Susan listened and then carried on speaking.

“Ms Raven has asked inform you of the standards of behaviour expected. As you can see,” she gestured towards the unfortunate girl still pinned to the door, “fangirlish tackling, glomping, stampeding, leaping, rushing or any other over-enthusiastic attack upon any members of staff or visitors will not be tolerated. You are here to learn how to write decent fanfiction, not to ogle your lust objects.”

Susan paused again then, and looked at the horde of almost drooling students before her. Why had she let herself be persuaded into this? Oh yes, she remembered - a chance to rid herself and the Disc of the scourge of bad fanfiction. That, and Raven had introduced her to Godiva and Thorntons chocolate. Chocolate. Susan had a feeling that she would be in need of a lot of chocolate before this lot had gained their certificates.

* * *

Look! We got our act together! Go us!

Now, onto the next chapter...

Disclaimer: Miss Susan isn’t ours. The Disc isn’t ours. Ponder Stibbons isn’t ours. They belong to the great and glorious Pterry. We are just borrowing them to play with. We promise to give them back..

hS and RF

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