"… can't believe they're still using our name!"
"I, like, totally agree!" exclaimed Princess Silverlocks III. "I mean, are they even half as stunning as me? They're totally not Mary-Sues!"
Giritinuvielwen, headmistress of the Ladies' Academy for Mary-Sue Enrichment, frowned slightly. The problem with running a school for Mary-Sues, she reflected, is that if you do your job properly, they come out thicker than two short planks.
"They apparently think Mary-Sues are a bad thing," she pointed out to Silverlocks. "The so-called 'Redemptionist' Academy is dedicated to taking our Mary-Sues and undoing our hard work."
"That's just silly!" Silverlocks declared, tossing her golden tresses (she usually dyed them before working a story, to make them match her name). "Why would anyone want to take someone as, like, smart, beautiful, funny and perfect as me and change me back to how I used to be?"
Which was a mousy-haired fast food saleswoman named Stephanie, as Giritinuvielwen recalled. It was a good question, too – what was wrong with making girls into images of perfection and letting them live out their fantasies?
"Apparently they think we're underdeveloped," a dry voice declared. "They call us 'one-dimensional' and 'paper cutouts'." Ravonia Darkmoor sniffed. "I find it rather offensive – but that's all part of the unbearable darkness that is life, I suppose."
"Well, what's wrong with being 'one-dimensional'?" asked a voice which could have appeared in the dictionary under 'sultry'. (Did they put samples in dictionaries? Giritinuvielwen wasn't sure, but she'd seen something similar once…) Marchessa, perched on the edge of a table, crossed her legs in a way that would have caused men to swoon (but of course had no effect on her fellow Mary-Sues – that would be icky). "Provided you choose the right dimension, of course…"
"She's right," growled Celia Bloodgage (who had once, Giritinuvielwen recalled, been a mild-mannered chemical engineer called Jess), picking her teeth with a dagger. "Of course," she rumbled, "Marchessa picked the wrong dime… whatever."
"Well, duh," exclaimed Silverlocks. "Obvs the best dime-thingy is… er… whatever mine is!"
"I wrote a poem about being one-dimensional," Ravonia put in. "It unveiled the inexpressible anguish of my soil."
"I killed a Goth once," Celia grunted. "I think she was a Slytherin Hermione. Her blood was black."
"Mine is red," Ravonia declared. "Crimson as the rose petals as it drips from my wrists…"
Giritinuvielwen glanced at Ravonia's arms (or what could be seen of them between black lace gloves and black lace cuffs). They were completely unblemished – which was a testament to the skill of the Academy's medical team; Ravonia had suffered more plot-driven deaths than the rest of the faculty combined. It was fortunate for the Angst School that nothing in her own fic could really kill a Mary-Sue… and unfortunate for everyone that the same didn't apply to meddlers like the PPC and Ispace.
As if summoned by Giritinuvielwen's thought, Magiseer Karisana Villada appeared in a flash of crystal light. Giritinuvielwen straightened in alarm – Karisana's hair was messy! She drew breath to deliver a well-deserved scolding – the Ladies' Academy had to maintain its standards – but then Karisana's words reached her ears:
"The PPC and Ispace are at war! I was monitoring Dazarie's graduation story when the PPC came in to kill her – but then Ispace showed up and saved her! They said she was an elf before she was a Sue – and they drove the Protectors away!"
"Awesome!" squealed Silverlocks, bouncing in her chair. "Ispace are on our side now!"
"Well… no," Karisana admitted. "After they kicked the Assassins out, the Ispace team took a look at Dazarie's story – and then they killed her."
"No!" Marchessa burst into crystal tears. "What wanton cruelty is this? All that sweet girl was doing was giving Drizzt a little love in his life! Well, him and Dinin… and Vhaeraun…"
"They said she was doing more harm than good," Karisana revealed. "What does that even mean?"
Giritinuvielwen got to her feet. "It means we have an unparalleled opportunity."
There was a pause as the Sues digested this. Then Silverlocks raised a hand. "Um, I don't think it does, actually…"
Giritinuvielwen ignored her. "We've never been able to take on Ispace: not after they corrupted the original Academy, not after they tempted the 'Redemptionists' away from us. But if they're now distracted, we can strike back!" All around her were impressively blank faces – they would have earned at least an A+ in Silverlocks' 'No-one Likes A Thinky-Sue' class. Giritinuvielwen forged on.
"If Ispace are now focussed on the PPC, we can slip a Mary-Sue into their mountain and take over their base. No-one can stand up to a fully-trained Mary-Sue written into their world – especially if she's an elf…"
The silence was almost deafening as the Mary-Sues absorbed this. Finally, one of them got to her feet.
"I will take the fic," Princess Silverlocks III said tentatively, "though… I do not know the plot."
Celia Bloodgage stood, armour gliding silently over her tanned skin as she drew her sword. "Your task will go easier if others are out in the Word Worlds to draw their attention," she declared. "You have my sword."
Marchessa dropped seductively to the floor. "And my luscious curves!"
"And my magickck!" Magiseer Karisana Villada cried, raising her staff and letting a shower of silver stars fall down on the assembled Mary-Sues.
Ravonia Darkmoor sighed and got to her feet. "If it is the will of the faculty," she intoned, "then the Goths will see it done – even though it will doubtless end in the same bleak despair as all life."
Giritinuvielwen looked at her teachers one by one. "So be it," she declared firmly. "Five companions. You shall be the fellowship of… the… Mary-Sues who… are fighting against Ispace and the PPC and… er…" She flapped a hand dismissively. "Just go!"
Disclaimer: All references to canons belong to their respective creators. The PPC was created by Jay and Acacia. Ispace is my own creation. The Ladies' Academy for Mary-Sue Enrichment is a spinoff of Hirilnara's Diary of an Undercover Sue, which in turn was a spinoff of the original Ispace, which was a spinoff of Pancakes!... it's a bit convoluted.
Author's Note: What, you thought we were going to do this without the participation of fangirls and Mary-Sues? The Ladies' Academy fills both roles - a two for one deal! (Also, do you know how hard it is to write deliberately flat characters? Eesh)
The Ladies' Academy for Mary-Sue Enrichment: The Ladies' Academy was founded most of a decade ago - or, as they would describe it, simply continued to exist under new management and a new name, after the events which took place in the Training Academy of Mary-Sues. Their goal is simple - to take eager fangirls from the Real World, and through training and judicious enhancement, turn them into full-blown Mary-Sues. They are rather a small concern, compared to the League of Mary-Sue Factories and its associates, but (naturally) consider themselves the best.
(Eventually I'll stop having to do these 'what has gone before' synopses... like maybe next chapter?)