OldFUDisc: Chapter 1

Please note: This chapter is presented here as an archive of OldFUDisc; it was written eight years ago and has no direct relationship to the current story. ~The Administrator.

"Students? In my University?"

A large figure in red strode through the corridors of Unseen University. The large amounts of tasteless glitter, the thick beard and the tall, pointed hat marked him instantly as a wizard, and the crossbow shoved into the hatband left no doubt as to his identity - Mustrum Ridcully, Archchancellor of UU and head of all the wizards in the world. At least, those who knew he existed and were actually willing to listen to him.

Beside him, walking slightly faster to match his larger stride, came a raven-haired woman in a black leather coat. "That is the point of an educational institution, Archchancellor," she was saying, "So can't you see that it's important to educate these poor children?"

"Of course it is," he agreed, "just not here. Go and talk to those chaps over on Fourecks, I'm sure they'll love the idea."

"That's not possible, with respect, that's too far away from this city. And after all, we only want one wing."

Ridcully stopped and turned to face his companion. "My dear woman," he said, ignoring her bristle at being addressed as such, "it matters not whether it is one wing or even one room. I will not agree to any more students in this establishment."

"Having trouble, Raven?" came a voice from the shadows. The wizard and the woman turned to see a man, clad similarly to the woman addressed as Raven, step out into the torchlight. "Looks like I got here just in time," he continued.

"And who might you be, young man?" asked Ridcully. The newcomer glanced at Raven quizzically.

"You didn't mention me?" She shook her head, and he sighed. "Figures. I am Doctor Huinesoron, sir, and I am working with Raven on this project."

The Archchancellor frowned. "Then perhaps you can convince her to stop pestering me."

"Pestering? Oh, yes, that." Huinesoron thought for a moment, and then said, "Archchancellor, are you aware that the students we plan to bring in all believe your use of a large staff with a knob on the end is... compensation for a lack in another area?"

"WHAT?" The Archchancellor swelled up in indignation. "How DARE they? You bring them here, we'll show them the REAL use for these staffs! By the time we're through, they won't be able to STAND!"

"That's the point," said Raven, calmly. Ridcully looked over, and she continued. "Our University would embrace the Teachings of Miss Cam, especially in the area of Learning Through Pain."

"In fact," added Huinesoron, "we're hoping to make a deal with Death - through his granddaughter Susan, I believe you've met her - so that we can retrieve any students who... accidentally die during their education."

The Archchancellor pondered. Eventually, he agreed. "Hubwards Wing. Ask that cheese fellow - whatsisname, Wincerind? - for the key to the main entrance, I think he's the only one using it. And if I can help in any way with the 'pain' part, my door is always open." With that, he strode off.

The pair in black leather coats stared after him for a few seconds. The Doctor turned to his companion and said with an evil smile as she grinned back at him, "You go pick up the minis, I'll sort out the application forms, and I'll meet you outside Rincewind's office. The Official Fanfiction University of Discworld is ready for launch!"

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Behold, the enrolement form. Sadly, we're up to our maximum number of students, so you can't use it. It's just here for entertainment value.

The Official Fanfiction University of Discworld

Enrolment Form

Erudition emensus adflictatio

Chosen Name:

Gender:

Species:

Age:

Generic Physical Description:

Lust Object:

Idol, in a non-lusting way:

Favourite Pairing:

Favourite Location:

Favourite Group of People:

Favourite Genre: Humour/Romance/Action/Slash/Other

Number of Discworld books read: None/One/Two/Many/Lots/All

Familiarity with Canon: Not really/Hell yeah/Better than PTerry's, whatever happened to Esk?

In the event of death, what form would you prefer to come back as? Ghost/Zombie/Vampire/Vampyre/Alive/Other.

Have you ever written a Disc Mary-Sue?:

Have you ever written a Disc Slashfic?:

Complete this phrase "Do not meddle."

Sign here .............

* * *

The OFUD claims no responsibility or liability for any or all injuries suffered, mental, physical, or terminal. It's your own fault for being such a godawful writer. Once term has commenced students will not be able to leave until gaining a certification of completion of the course or failing the course. In the event of death the student will still have to complete the course, just say hi to Susan's Grandfather. The certificate of completion is necessary for any writing of further fanfiction in the Discworld fandom. The decisions of the course co-ordinators are final and always right. Susan Sto Helit has the right to take any action she deems appropriate. By signing the form above you show acceptance of and agreement with these conditions.

* * *

Phew, finally the end. Disclaimer and all notes will be put down here, for ease of reading.

We don't own Discworld, it is the Great Pterry's.

We don't own the OFU idea. It belongs to the Great and Glorious Miss Cam, who can be found by the links on my bio page.

In fact, I think all we own is ourselves!

hS and RF