"I can't believe you killed her!"
"I didn't kill anyone,"
Phoebe snapped. "She fell down a hole. I just did the cleaning
up."
"But you let her fall!"
Liliac insisted. Phoebe scowled and lengthened her stride.
"It's her own fault, and she'll be
back soon anyway. Look, what's Mercuria to you, anyway? You barely
know the girl."
Liliac shrugged uncomfortably. "She's
an elf," she failed to explain. "You know how it is."
"She's not an-" Phoebe
bit off the sentence. "No, I don't know. Can you be any
clearer?"
"Somewhat like your Death
'thing'," a new voice said, and the girls turned to see the
Administrator walking at their side. He had an escort of
mini-Luggages, and a pained expression as he looked over the
seventeen remaining members of Class Two.
"Speaking of which, I don't suppose there's any chance you could
cut back?"
"Um?" Phoebe squeaked. "No?
No. It doesn't work that way. Um, sir."
"Ah, well," the Administrator
sighed. "Your colleagues will be returning shortly. It wouldn't
do for them to miss their schooling, after all." He turned to
go, but a thin girl stepped in front of him, blocking his way.
"Hi!" she said brightly. "I'm
Andy! My friend wants to know if you'd like to go out for a meal with
her, only she thinks you're totally hot."
She grinned over her shoulder at Saphie, who was cringing and trying
to hide behind Tisea.
The Administrator glanced between the
two of them, and then said flatly, "No. That would be beyond
wildly inappropriate."
"Okay," Andy said cheerfully.
"Then do you want to come back to the dorm tonight? Because I'm
sure she-"
"I'm leaving now," the
Administrator stated, stepped down a side street, and was out of
sight. Andy's grin grew wider as she finished her sentence.
"-would love to play cards or
something with you." She glanced around at Class Two. "What?
Did you think I meant something else?"
"Right, that's enough comedic
banter," a stern voice said, and a door ahead of them opened to
reveal a white-haired woman in severe black clothes. "Hurry
along, don't dawdle."
"Susan!" squealed two voices,
and Phoenix Flight hurried forward carrying the brass shape of Esme
Something. "You are totally awesome!" Phoenix went on.
"I've been dying to meet you! Are you teaching us? What
class is this?"
"I hope it's romance," Esme
cut in, using what was probably meant to be a seductive voice. "You
know, there's a lot of things you can do with clockwork..."
"I'm sure there are," Susan
said in a cold voice that utterly silenced her two fangirls.
"Now, if you will all take your seats... I believe your
classmates will be arriving shortly."
"We're here already," a low
voice said, and Phoebe turned to see Yukimona, nine other girls in
evening dress (including a black-painted Traveler – the label on
her lifetimer had finally settled the debate
- and an Iplis who threw Penny a befanged grin and a wink), the
spectral form of Hawkelf... and a very nervous-looking Kaitlyn, who
scurried forward into the cramped classroom and took a too-small seat
behind Phoebe and her friends.
"They're all vampires now!"
she whispered, in what was probably the least-necessary exposition on
record. "The Administrator brought them
back, and then he had Yukimona- well, you know," she cut herself
off, as the aforementioned vampire shot a look at her.
"Seriously?" Liliac said,
studying the back of Mercuria's head as the vampire posse settled in
(managing to come across as elegant even though the chairs were
designed for ten-year-olds). "Why vampires?"
"They have seen the light of
darkness," said Yukimona without turning her head. "Perhaps
someday, you too will join us."
"Somehow I doubt it," Liliac
muttered, but Cazzie reached over to touch her arm, and she sat back.
"Settle down now."
Miss Susan's voice cut through the chatter like a suitably
interesting simile, driving straight into the fangirls' brains and
silencing them instantly. A slow smile blossomed on her face. "Good.
Now, who can tell me what a Mary-Sue is?"
Every hand in the room shot up,
Phoebe's among them. She was thinking of her character Firebird, who
had been (eight years ago, she vaguely recalled) a member of the City
Watch, had defeated an invading army from her homeland of
Krysanthemum (a sort of enlightened totalitarian theocracy), and had
won Vimes' heart. People had called her a Mary-Sue, which really
meant she was a strong, empow-
"Anyone who uses the words
'empowered', 'liberated' or – gods save you – 'amazing' will
be spending the night in the company of the mini-Luggages,"
Susan added, and Phoebe's hand dropped – along with most of the
rest. Well, if Mary-Sues weren't awesome characters every girl wanted
to be, what were they?
Miss Susan looked puzzled, but Phoebe
realised it wasn't at the number of lowered hands – rather, it was
the five still raised that were giving her trouble. "All right,"
she said sceptically, "I'll bite. You. Tell me."
"Mary-Sue is a fantasy," said
Nenya Quende, "created independently by individual fangirls to
give them an outlet for their most outlandish dreams. She-"
"Now you," Susan cut her off.
"She is a blight on the Word
Worlds," Raen said grimly. "Death is too good for her."
"True enough," Susan agreed.
"You?"
"Er, well, they're just
badly-written," Kaitlyn offered, looking uncomfortable at the
attention. "They're characters who take the canon and warp it to
their own ends."
"Good," Susan said, and
pointed at a white glove on the end of a wood-and-brass appendage.
"Assuming that's someone – your thoughts?"
"It's Something, actually,"
said Esme, "and I don't know about Merry Sues,
but would you like to-"
"No," Susan cut her off, and
pointed at the last hand – Penny. "Do you have anything
relevant to say?"
Penny shrugged. "Just that Sues
are often wish-fulfilment," she offered quietly. "The
problem is, in the course of getting what they want, very few writers
bother to consider what is actually possible."
There was a long pause, and then Susan
nodded slowly. "I'm actually marginally impressed," she
admitted. "Your fellow students" – a word she pronounced
as if it were a synonym for 'delinquents' – "in the other
classes couldn't offer a single non-sparkly description." She
considered the four for a moment before asking, "How many of you
are with the PPC?" A ripple went through the room at the mention
of those three simple letters – at least through the half of the
room which didn't already know the answer.
"Department of Mary-Sues,"
Penny admitted, and Raen nodded along. Nenya frowned.
"Former DMS," she said.
"Can't quite remember why I applied now, but..."
"Never mind that," Susan cut
in quickly.
"And you?"
"Oh," said Kaitlyn, "um.
Character Protective Services? We're – we were, really, I... think things have changed a bit – sort of... quasi-PPC."
"Yes, I've met a few of your
fellow caseworkers," Susan said. "Very well. The rest of
you should pay close attention to what these young women say.
As associates of
the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, they seem to actually have
working common-sense lobes in their brains, which is a rarity around
here.
"Now, to continue. We will first
consider the Spectrum of Suvian Species, with particular focus on the
Puella perfecta and Filia gratuita breeds..."
Disclaimer: All Discworld canon
characters and locations are the creations of Sir Terry Pratchett.
The Official Fanfiction University concept is the creation of Miss
Cam. The Protectors of the Plot Continuum is the creation of Jay and
Acacia. Phoebe is based on an application to OFUDisc by Fawkes
Phoenix. All other students are based on applications to OFUDisc. All
details of (and mistakes in) plot, narrative and dialogue are mine.
Thanks to the Irish Samurai for betaing.
Author's Note: Thanks also go to
the PPC's Department of Mary-Sue Experiments and Research for information on the
biological classification of Mary-Sues and Gary-Stus.
For more information on the Protectors
of the Plot Continuum, please visit the Ispace Files blog
linked from my profile, where you will find a summary of who we are,
along with links to further resources.
No comments:
Post a Comment